Interracial Relationship Counselling for Individuals and Couples

I can’t be racist
(because am dating/am a friend/parent to a racialized person)

This is not so much a literal statement I hear in my Interracial Relationship Counselling practice but an internalized and unspoken assumption white clients oftentimes make when they are in sustained and meaningful relationships with racialized people. The reasoning being that if I truly love or care for a racialized person, I am beyond racist thoughts or feelings and even if I do or say something harmful, as long as I didn’t mean it, I can’t be accused of racism. Which is of course not true.  Intent doesn’t make the slightest difference for the ‘victims’ in the moment of harm. 

Unintentionality in a white mind also implies innocence or a ‘not knowing’ which in the case of deciding if something is racist or not automatically gives white people a free pass for any harm caused because ‘ I didn’t know’. Which ironically is of course also a strong incentive to stay ignorant, and avoid educating themselves because by that premise: the less we know the less we can be accused of racism.  

In this context the color-blind narrative, which is still upheld by teachers, parents and partners to people of color all over the world serves as a virtue signal to defend white innocence/ignorance. It says:

 If I don’t see color I can’t be racist.

Tineka Smith argues that the "love sees no color" statement is a harmful and deceptive phrase for interracial relationships. For a relationship to not only survive but have depth and meaning, the white person has to actively ‘see color’ in order to even begin to understand their partner's lived experience. However, seeing color is dangerous for white people as it robs us of our proclaimed innocence.

If unintentionality and ignorance would be a good enough reason to avoid accountability when it comes to racist harm, it should by that logic also apply to other areas of social life. Let me give you an example:

What if without intending any harm someone drives their car on the wrong side of the road because they are from a different country and unaware of the local traffic rules? When they cause an accident and someone gets hurt can they claim ignorance (I didn’t know I was supposed to drive on other side of the road) and unintentionality (I didn’t mean to hurt anybody, I am so sorry but it’s not my fault) to avoid accountability?  Would you spend time and energy reassuring them that they are good people, while gently educating them about the laws pointing out how it isn’t their fault while the victim lies bleeding in the road? Would you tell the victim to stop screaming and not make a fuss as the person who hurt them is a good person with no ill intend? ….surely not…

Yet white people often outright refuse to take responsibility for racial transgression for no other reason than ‘I didn’t know’ and ‘I didn’t mean to’. What follows is the burden of responsibility to educate the white partner in a relationship being placed on the shoulders of the racialized partner who is expected to not only contain and deal with their own feelings of hurt but to explain in a measured and reasonable way what about their partners actions or words was harmful. With no guarantee that they are even heard.

Black authors (see references below) frequently highlight the exhausting dynamics in which the racialised partner is expected to act as a "racial equality advocate" or teacher for their white partner. Reni Eddo-Lodge for example talks about the emotional impact it has on people of color as they struggle to convince defiant white people over and over again that something they did or said was enforcing or perpetuating  white racist stereotypes. The white person oftentimes reacts confused by the pain they caused, at best trivializing it, at worst ridiculing it. The result is an emotional disconnect from the very real pain of another. This is not really surprising, because white people will never know what racism feels like – they even invented ‘reverse’ racism in order to center themselves in a conversation where they for once would otherwise only be relevant as perpetrators (a subject for another day).

In interracial relationships a white person’s sense of safety and privilege within a racialized society can leave them "blind" to the systemic issues their partners or children or friends or colleagues face daily. This in itself doesn’t make them bad people or overt racists – and here we find another stumbling block on the road to racial education and building racial stamina for white people: many still believe that racism has to be overt, intentional and with full awareness in order to qualify as racism - by that definition only a bad white person would deserve this label (or a trump-infested diseased brain accepting it as a medal of honor). 

Many white people in interracial relationships truly want to do better but feel like their world is coming to an end when they are in any way associated with the “R” word. To be fair in a world where ‘cancel first and ask later’ is the norm and where nuanced conversations disappear in favor of insta-digestible one liners and tic-toc reels, publicly acknowledging one’s racism can be tricky to say the least. This unfortunately means that those difficult conversations barely happen in real life and many white people revert back to the innocence or intent-narrative, thereby placing the burden of their education on their racialized partners.

To sum it up:  with Couples Counselling in interracial relationships we cannot only focus on how conflicts arise and manifest within the privacy of the relationship, but have to be mindful of and include the racialized dynamics within the relationship as well as the wider society in which it exists.

If you want to dive deeper into the subject - here are some authors I have drawn from for this blog:

Ijeoma Oluo: 2019

So you want to talk about race. Seal Press

Tineka Smith (and Alex Court): 2021

Mixed Up: Confessions of an Interracial Couple. Hachette UK.

Reni Eddo-Lodge: 2020

Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race. Bloomsbury publishing.

Dear Potato: 2023 (A blog by a Jamaican SAHW)

Marya Mtshali: 2023

Here is a link to an article about Marya Mtshali’s research on interracial dating